Step 1. Turn on computer, forever. Don't bother turning it off. Losing an internet connection will have a similar effect.
Step 2. Download
Steamp3, run it on your computer, and run the "Welcome Bot" plugin.
Step 3. Cry, because this is such an terrible way of having a 'bot', and is probably better than having no bot at all.
Step 4. Learn BASIC, a vastly superior programming language.
Step 5. Use it to recompile your kernel, then develop a bot that cleans, cooks, and says 'hello' to people in your group chat.